10 Years

I would like to think that my early life was not significantly different from that of anyone else. I never felt different in the world when I was very young. I was just another person in the world. Then one day, it was as if the world saw something I didn't. It was as if the world was out to make me feel different. Even though I didn't feel different, I knew that I also had thoughts and feelings that I didn't quite have the words for or couldn't quite describe. Slowly, I began to feel more and more different. These thoughts and feelings continued to bubble under the surface for some time... and then one day, I had an earth-shattering realization: I'm gay. All those thoughts and feelings from years leading up to that moment finally made sense, and I now had the language to communicate about it. Simultaneously, the reason for the world making me feel different also became clear. It was as if the universe had figured me out before I figured myself out. I quickly became fearful about what this meant for me. This fear and anxiety slowly but surely robbed me of my sense of peace, and it eventually felt like I had also lost the light within me that was the fuel of my life. Then, some way, some how, things slowly began to change. Maybe it was the world changing around me, maybe it was a small spark of hope that I never lost, or maybe it was something else, but eventually something happened: I began to open myself to the world. It didn't happen all at once, at least not at first. One day, I finally felt ready to be myself, even though it was something I once thought was impossible. I slowly discovered a world that embraced difference and made me feel at peace. That part of me that I once thought would forever be confined to the shadows now faces the sun every day. That part of me has now had a happy home in my heart and mind for TEN YEARS. These last ten years represent me opening up to the world and being reborn into a new life: one where I have been able to be myself, full stop. Even today, my heart remains very protective of that little boy who lost his light and had to endure so, so much. Sometimes I think about what I would like to say to him. I would tell him that a wonderful world exists that he will one day be a part of. I would tell him "Stay joy, beautiful boy. Don't let the ways of the world kill your empathy." I would tell him that all the things he thinks are impossible are all things he will do. I would tell him that it's all going to be okay. To anyone reading: if you've accompanied me on my journey these last ten years, I want you to know that it has meant the world to me. Thank you for making my world brighter. Thank you for making these last decade wonderful. Here's to many more!

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