Chapter 2 (V-VIII)
June 8, 2024
V
Some people say that when you are in the process of becoming, you must untangle the parts that are really you from the parts that are not. I often find myself thinking about this, and when I do, a single question cycles in my mind: what things do I need to untangle from myself because they are holding me back? How can I break free from the bad cycles that kept me from being myself for so long? Honestly, I'm not sure I have the full answer just yet, but I'm convinced that the largest part of it is self-love. Loving who I am has made the journey easier each day no matter if I feel great, not-so-great, like I'm too much, or not enough. Even though there's a voice in the back of my head sometimes that represents all the negative things that have hurt me in the past, there is also another voice up there that represents all the parts of me that are truly me and that feel loved.
VI
Where does queer empowerment come from? I think it comes from loving yourself. Nothing is more freeing and empowering than loving the parts of yourself that you felt you couldn't love at some point. Finding empowerment within your identities not only means finding love for yourself, but also finding the courage to fight back and rise above whatever was previously holding you back. Whether that means being visible or not taking the negativity hurled your way, it's all the same. Acceptance is the key to your empowerment. You can't take some parts and leave others, because they are all connected and integral to who you are. Hurting one part hurts the whole.
VII
The journey of becoming yourself is hardly a linear one. It often feels like navigating a maze of questions and more questions. All the while the voices in your head do nothing but cloud your thinking. It feels like you're trying to unlock some secrets buried deep in your heart or mind. If you simply keep going, eventually you'll find pieces of those secrets scattered about. Then, one day, you'll have enough to piece them together.
VIII
Sometimes, even when I feel strong and confident, I find my mind looking toward the past. Even when the journey of becoming is one of smooth sailing, I think sometimes things are still lost. Sometimes I find myself reaching for those things even though I know they are long gone. It's just that I think sometimes it's difficult to let go when you feel you've lost something, or worse, was robbed. When my mind looks back, I make myself look forward, even when it's difficult. It's difficult to move on. However, moving on is a sign of growth, and growth is a sign you've healed.
