Chapter 4 (XII-XV)
June 22, 2024
XII
I think sometimes when some people look at us they wonder why pride matters so much to a lot of queer people. I think the answer lies with what unites us as a community. Most, if not all, of us go through some kind of coming out process, first with ourselves, and then with others. What that really means is coming to cherish a part of yourself that many have felt they couldn't cherish. To celebrate pride is to celebrate that part of you. To celebrate pride is to liberate yourself from suppressing that part of yourself for so long. Today and every day, I want to celebrate that part of me.
XIII
A strange kind of pseudo-nostalgia comes over me every now and then. I don't know where it comes from; my best guess is that it comes from the optimistic parts of my mind. It makes me think about what could have been. That is not to say I have regrets, but sometimes life sparks a little "what if" in me. What if I did things differently? What if I had done more or less? What if things had been easier for me? I don't have the answers to these questions, and no one else does either. Some say that such thoughts are not productive, but I disagree. I think thinking about the past, if done right, can lead to a better future. And even though my journey is still fairly new, I still wouldn't trade it for another. The infinite Galton board that dragged me through the tough times and led me here also gave me resilience and hope. I wouldn't want it any other way.
XIV
Where does hope come from? I think everyone sources their hope differently. For me, hope comes from the world around me. I wake up every day and I see people do amazing things. It makes me feel optimistic, even when it's hard to see the good. It can be easy to wake up and also see people doing horrible things every day. However, it's the people that do the outstanding things that help shape the world for the better. I suppose I have to blame my inner optimist for seeking out the good amid the bad, but I think it's necessary. For many people, times are scary and we need positivity and hope to guide us through. Find your hope.
XV
To free yourself from the past means to free your heart from the walls you've built around it. It means to show the world who you really are by showing them your heart. That is scary. When you do that, sometimes some people will laugh, or do much worse. However, I've come around to thinking that it is a worthwhile risk. Only when you show your heart can you truly see the world, and the world can see you. When that happens, you'll find that you aren't so different from other people, and they aren't so different from you.
