"Everywhere I turned, everywhere I went, everybody had something to say about love. Mothers, fathers, teachers, singer, musicians, poets, writers, friends. It was like the air. It was like the ocean. It was like the leaves on a tree in the summer. It was like the rain that broke the drought. It was the soft sound of water flowing through a stream. And it was the sound of the crashing waves against the shore in a storm. Love was why we fought all our battles. Love was what we lived and died for. Love was what we dreamed of as we slept. Love was the air we wanted to breathe in when we woke to greet the day. Love was a torch you carried to lead you out of darkness. Love took you out of exile and carried you to a country called Belonging." (1)

"I wondered if Dante and I would ever be allowed to write our names on the map of the world. Other people are given writing instruments— and when they go to school, they are taught to use them. But they don't give boys like me and Dante pencils or pens or spray paint. They want us to read, but they do not want us to write. What will we write our names with? And where on the map would we write them?" (3)

"It was as though the universe had stopped whatever it was doing just to look down at two boys who had discovered its secrets.

As I felt the beating of Dante's heart against the palm of my hand, I wished I could somehow reach into my chest and rip out my own heart and show Dante everything that it held.

And then there was this: Love didn't just have something to do with my heart— it had something to do with my body. And my body had never felt so alive. And then I knew, I finally knew about this things called desire." (5)

" And I wanted to say You're the rain and you're the desert and you're the eraser that's making the word 'loneliness' disappear. But it was too much to say and I would always be the guy that would say too little and Date was the kind of guy who would always say too much." (7)

"'... I don't want you to feel that you're living in exile. There's a world out there that's going to make you feel like that you don't belong in this country— or any country, for that matter. But in this house, Ari, there is only belonging...'" (13)

"'You know, Ari, we're screwed.'

'Yup, we're screwed.'

'We'll never be Mexican enough. We'll never be American enough. And we'll never be straight enough.'

'Yup,' I said, 'and you can bet your ass that, somewhere down the road, we won't be gay enough.'

'We're screwed.'

'Yeah, we are,' I said. 'Gay men are dying of a disease that doesn't have a cure. And I think that makes most people afraid of us— afraid that we'll pass the disease on to them. And they're finding out that there are so damned many of us. They see millions of us marching out on the streets in New York and San Francisco and London and Paris and every other city in the whole world. And there's a whole lot of people that wouldn't mind if we all just died. This is serious shit, Dante. And you and I, we're screwed. I mean. We. Are. Really. Screwed.'" (21-22)

"God, I wanted yo kiss him. And kiss him and kiss him and kiss him. I was going fucking nuts. Did people lose their minds when they loved someone? Who was I? I didn't know myself anymore." (29)

"All night I dreamed of Dante. Of him and me. I dreamed his lips. I dreamed his touch. I dreamed his body. What is this thing called desire?" (31)

"See, this love thing, it's not just a heart thing, it's a body thing too. And I wasn't all that comfortable with the heart thing and I wasn't all that comfortable with the body thing either. So I was screwed." (34)

"People say that love is a kind of heaven. I was beginning to think that live is a kind of hell." (35)

"Everything was so new. It felt as if I had just been born. This life that I was living now, it was like diving in to an ocean when all I had known was a swimming pool. Storms, they were born in the oceans of the world.

An then there was that cartographer thing. Mapping out a new world was complicated— because the map wasn't just for me." (41-42)

"I keep thinking about Dante and the cartographer thing. Making a map of the new world. Wouldn't that be something fantastically, amazingly beautiful? The world according to Ari and Dante. Dante and me walking through a world, a world nobody had ever seen, and mapping out all the rivers and the valleys and creating paths so that those who came after us wouldn't have to be afraid— and they wouldn't get lost. How beautiful was that?" (55)

"When will we all get to be human, Dante?" (58)

"Ari, we only want one thing for you— to be happy. I could still hear my sisters' voices in my head. Happiness. What the hell did that mean? It had to be more than the absence of sadness. And that word 'want'. That word was related to the word 'desire'. I rewrote what they said to me in my head. Our desire four you, Ari, is for you to be happy.

I heard Dante's voice in my head. I see a longing in you... a yearning... Those words live in you.

Desire. A body thing. A heart thing. The body and the heart.

I used to live in a world that was made up of things I thought. I didn't know how small the world was. I was suffocating in my own thoughts. It was like living in a world of make-believe. And the world I lived in was getting bigger and bigger.

For one thing, there was a sky in the world I lived in now. And it was blue and large and it was beautiful. But where on my map was I going to put the word 'happy'? Where on my map was I going to put 'desire'?" (72)

"I used to wonder about boys like you who cried— and now I've fucking turned into one of those boys. I'm not sure I like it. I mean, it's not that I'm crying for nothing, I mean, I don't know what I mean. I'm changing. And it's as of the changes are all coming at me at once. And the changes, they're not all bad. I mean, they're good. They're good changes.

I didn't used to like who I was. 

And now I don't know who I am. Well, I do know who I am. But mostly I'm becoming someone I don't know. I don't know who I'm going to become." (82)

"We walked into the forever white sand dunes, and soon we were far away from all the people in the world. Everyone had disappeared from the universe except the young man  whose hand I was holding, and everything that had ever been born and everything that had ever died existed where his hand touched mine. Everything— the blue of the sky, the rain in the clouds, the white of the sand, the water in the oceans, all the languages of all the nations, and all the broken hearts that had learned to beat in their brokenness.

We didn't talk. This was the quietest moment I had ever been in. Even my busy brain— it was quiet. So quiet that I felt I was in a church. And the thought entered my head that my love for Dante was holy, not because I was holy but because what I felt for him was pure.

No, we didn't talk. We didn't need to talk. Because we were discovering that the heart could make music. And we were listening to the music of the heart. We watched the lighting in the distance and heard the echo of thunder. Dante leaned into me— and then I kissed him. He tasted of sweat and a hint of my mother's burritos. Time didn't exist, and whatever the world thought of us, we didn't live in anybody's world but our own at that very moment.

It seems that we had actually become cartographers of a new world, had mapped out a country of our own, and it was ours and only ours, and though we both knew that country would disappear, almost as soon as it had appeared, we had full citizenship in that country and we were free to love each other. Ari loved Dante. Dante loved Ari." (100-101)

"There's a voice in the universe that holds the truth of all those who walk the earth. I believe that we are born for reasons we do not understand— it is up to us to discover those reasons. That is your only task. If you are brave enough to sit and listen to the voice of the universe in the silence that lives within you, then you will always know what matters— and you will know too that you matter to the universe than you will ever know." (103)

"The color of the Earth changes with the light. My father's voice in my head. The light in the desert was so different from the light in the mountains that sifted its way through the trees. The slant of the light made it seem pure and untouched and soft. The light in the desert was harsh, and nothing in it was soft— everything was hard because everything had to be hard if it wanted to live. Maybe that's why I was hard— because I was like the desert I loved, and Dante wasn't hard because he came from a softer place, where there was water and tender leaves that filtered the light just enough to keep your heart from becoming a stone." (105)

"'There's not such thing as thinking too much. The world would be a better place if everyone did more thinking and less talking. There might be a lot less hatred.'" (119)

"And this world I was living in now, it was complicated and confusing— and it sort of hurt to know that other people hurt. Adults. They hurt. And it was a good thing to know that. It was a better world that I was living in now. It was better. And I was better now. It was like I'd been ill. And I was recovering from an illness. But maybe that wasn't true. I'd just been a stupid kid. And selfish.

Maybe this is what being a man was. Okay, so maybe I wasn't a man just yet. But maybe I was getting closer.

I wasn't a boy anymore, that was for sure." (122)

"And then I heard a laughter coming from inside me that I had never heard. And I felt strong. And for a moment, I felt that nobody in the world could ever hurt me,

And yes, I was happy. But it was more than just happiness. And I thought this must be the thing my mother called joy.

That is what it was. Joy.

Another word that was growing inside me." (128)

"I don't know how long we lay there, staring at each other, not wanting to speak because anything we aid would be wrong— wrong because any word we used would spoil the silence and the beauty of it. Yes, it was true that words could lead to understanding. But they could lead to misunderstandings, too. Words were imperfect." (128)

"When I woke up, I was smiling. But I knew it was just a dream, and I knew that dream would never happen. Life wasn't a nightmare— but it wasn't a good dream either. Life wasn't a dream at all— it was something we all had to live." (151)

"I don't know why I didn't want to talk about this with you— even though we both understood that Emma's son had died of AIDS. I don't know much about that disease, but I know it's how gay men are dying, and I do watch the news at night with my parents and none of us ever talk. Your mom probably knows a lot about it. I don't know if you saw the headline in the New York Times that Emma was reading that said: 'Facing the Emotional Anguish of AIDS'. And I heard my dad tell my mom that four thousand men had died from the disease. And my mother said it was more than that. Forty thousand gay men, Dante. I think Emma's sadness and the graceful way she dealt with her grief really moved me. And yesterday, when we got back, we got lost in our little dramas and we forgot about the painting she had given us. I think we should put it up in your room today.

THe world is not a safe place for us. There are cartographers who came and made a map of the world as they saw it. They sis not leave a place for us to write our names on that map. But here we are, we're in it, this world that does not want us, a world that will never love us, a world that would choose to destroy us than make space for us even though there than enought room. There is no room for us because it has already been decided that exile is our only choice. I have been reading the definition for that world and I don' want that world to live inside me. We came into the world because our parents wanted us. And I have thought about this and I know in my heart that our parents brought us into this world for the purest of reasons. But no matter how much they love us, their love will never move the world one inch closer to welcoming us. The world is full of people who are stupid and mean and cruel and violent and ugly. I think that there is such a thing as truth in the world we live in, but I sure as hell don't what it is. And there's a shitload of assholes who think it's okay to hate anybody they want to hate." (152-153)

"Every human being— each of us— is like a country. You can build walls around yourself to protect yourself, to keep others out, never letting anybody visit you, never letting anybody in, never letting anybody see the beauty of the treasures you carry within. Building walls can lead to a sad and lonely existence. But we can decide to give people visas and let them in so they can see for themselves all the wealth you have to offer. You can decide to let those who visit you see your pain and the courage it has taken you to survive. Letting other people in— letting them see your country is the key to happiness." (175)

"I once thought that you could find all the secrets if the universe  in someone's hand.

And I think that's true. I did find all the secrets of the universe in you hand. Your hand, Dante.

But I also think that you can find all the secrets of the universe when a girl who is more a woman that she is a girl cries all her hurt into your shoulder. And you can also discover all the hurt that exists in the world in your own tears— if you listen listen to the song your tears are singing.

If we're lucky. If we're very lucky, the universe will send us the people we need to survive." (189)

"... that love was the most painful and beautiful thing I had ever felt and I never wanted to live without it.

And I didn't give a shit that I was young, and I had just turned seventeen and I didn't give a shit if anyone thought I was too young to feel the things that I felt. Too young? Tell that to my fucking heart." (197)

"... help people out when you can and give the world the finger." (229)

No one asks to be born. And no one wants to die. We don't bring ourselves into the world, and when it;s time for us to leave, the decision will not be ours to make. But what we do with the time in between the day we are born and the day we die, that is what constitutes a human life. You will have to make choices— and those choices will map out the shape and course of your life. We are all cartographers— all of us. We all want to write our names on the map of the world." (257)

I never knew all the things I feel for Dante. I didn't  know I had it in me. But what the hell was I supposed to do with that knowledge? If Dante were a girl and I were not gay, I would be imagining a future for us. But there was no imagining a future. Because the world we lived in censored our imaginations and limited what was possible and what wasn't possible. There was no future for Ari and Dante.

To imagine a future for Ari and Dante was a fantasy.

I didn't want to live my life in a fantasy.

The world I wanted to live in didn't exist. And I was struggling to love the world I did live in. I wondered if I was strong enough or good enough to love a world that hated me.

Maybe I just worried too much. What Dante and I had was now. Dante said our love was forever. But what if it wasn't forever? And what was forever? No one had forever. My mom says we live our lives one day at a time, one moment at a time. Now is the only thing that's real. Tomorrow is just an idea. My mom's voice forever in my head." (261)

"I don't mind being alone. I used to be alone and I felt a kind of loneliness that made me miserable.

I don't feel that loneliness when I'm alone anymore. I'm a lot more comfortable spending time with the Ari I have become. He's not so bad. He's not so great. But he's not so bad.

There's always something new to learn about myself. There's always a part of me that will be a stranger to me. There will always be days when I look in the mirror and ask myself, 'Ari, who are you?'

I was thinking about Danny and Rico. Rico never got to have a life. He was gay, and he wasn't like you and me— he couldn't pass. And he was born into a poor family. Danny told me the world doesn't want guys like me either. That's what he said. And I keep thinking that I wished the world would understand people like you and me.

But we're not the only ones the world doesn't understand. I want people to care about me can care about you. But don't we have to care too? Don't we have care about the Ricos and the Dannys? Don't we have to care about people who caren't treated like people? I have a lot to learn. I heard a guy in the hallway at school call some other guy the n-word. The guy he meant to insult was a white guy, and the whole thing was a little confusing, but it made me mad. I hate that word. And I didn't chase after the guy who said it and say, Listen here you little fucker. I should have chased him down the hall. I should have told him he was acting as if he had no respect— not for other people and not for himself. I should have said something— but I didn't. And that is exactly what the gay rights movement is saying about the AIDS pandemic, yeah, Silence = Death.

Dante, I have so many things going through my head sometimes. It's as if the whole world is in chaos and it's all living inside me. It's as if all the riots in San Francisco and New York and London and Chicago— all those riots, all the broken glass and the broken hearts, are cutting up my own heart. And I can;t breathe. And I want to be alive and be happy. And sometimes I am." (322-323)

"I have felt a change in me that began the day I met you. And I don't think I can put into words or map out the changes in me since that day. I make for a terrible cartographer. The The way I think and the way I see the world— even the way I talk has changed. It's as if I was walking in a pair of shoes that fit so tight on me because my feet had grown. And then it finally occurred to me that I needed a new pair of shoes— a pair of shoes that fit my feet. The first time I walked down the street wearing those shoes, I realized how much it had hurt, how much pain I had been in, when I did something as simple as walking. It doesn't hurt anymore to walk. That's what it feels like, Dante, to walk in the changes that have occurred in me since I met you. I may not fit the definition of happy guy. But it doesn't hurt anymore to be me.

And all of this because you looked at me one day at a swimming pool and said to yourself, I bet I can teach this guy how to swim. You saw me and I wasn't invisible anymore. You taught me to swim. And I didn't have to be afraid of the water anymore. And you gave me enough words to rename the universe I lived in." (325)

"I could tell my father wanted to say something more and that he was trying to measure his words. 'You know, Ari, racism is something that's almost impossible to talk about. And so most of us don't talk about it. I think that we somehow know that we're all implicated. Racism is a finger that points at all of us, and every few years, there's an explosion— and we all talk about it for a little while. And everybody raises their hands and says, 'Racism? I'm against it.' We're all against it. And we feel a solidarity. We make a few changes here and there— but we don't make any real changes. It's like we buy anew car but keep driving in the same direction.'

'But why?'

'Because we don't know how to talk about certain things. And we've never learned. We've never learned because we're not willing to change because we're afraid of what we might lose. I don't think that we want Black people to have what we have. And when it comes to Mexicans, this country loves us and hates us. We're a country of immigrants that hates immigrants. Only we pretend not to hate immigrants. ... I know a few guys who think Native Americans are immigrants. ... Americans are not really very nice people. And I say that as an American.'

'But, Dad, how do we change that?'

'That's what your generation is going to have to figure out.'" (332)

"America is the country of invention. We are a people who constantly invent and reinvent ourselves. Mostly our inventions of who we are fictions. We invent who Black people are and make them out to be violent and criminal. But our inventions are about us and not about them. We invent who Mexicans are, and we become nothing more than a people who eat tacos and break piñatas. We invent reasons to fight wars because war is what we know, and we make those wars into heroic marches toward peace, when there is nothing heroic about war. Men are killed in wars. Young men. We tell ourselves they died to protect our freedoms— even when we know that is a lie. I find it a tragedy that such an inventive people cannot bring themselves to invent peace." (386)

"The living were connected to the dead. And the dead are connected to the living. And the living and the dead were all connected to the universe." (399)

"There have been explosions in the universe for billions of years— explosions that give birth to a world breathing new life. The universe creates.

We live on a planet that is a part of that universe. And though we are only a speck, a tiny particle, we, too, are a part of that universe. Everything is connected and everything belongs. Everything that is alive carries the breath of the universe. Once something is born— a dog, a tree, a lizard, a human being— it becomes essential to the universe and never dies.

The earth does not know the word 'exile'. Violence begins in the dark and stubborn riots of the human heart. The human heart is the source of all our hate— and all our love. We must tame our wild hearts— or we will never understand the spark of the universe that lives within us all.

To live and never understand the strange and beautiful mysteries of the human heart is to make a tragedy of our lives." (401)

"Everyone has stories to tell. My dad had them. My mom had them. And I had them. Stories were living inside us. I think we were born to tell our stories. After we died, our stories would survive. Maybe it was our stories that fed the universe the energy it needed to keep on giving life.

Maybe all we were meant to do on this earth was to keep on telling stories. Our stories— and the stories of people we loved." (422)

"Teachers mattered. They could make you feel like you belonged in school, like you could learn, like you could succeed in life— or they could make you feel like you were wasting your time." (438)

"I'd learned that teachers were people— and that some of them were extraordinary. I learned that I had something in me called writing.

And I was learning that sometimes you had to let go of the people you loved.

Because if you didn't, you'd live all your days in sadness. You'd fill your heart with the past. And there wouldn't be enough room left for the present. And for the the future. Letting go— it was difficult. And it was necessary. Necessary— there's a word.

I was also learning that loving someone was different from falling in love with them.

And I was learning that there were a lot of people who were just like me and they were struggling to find out who they were. And it didn't have to do with  whether they were straight or gay.

And, yes, we were all connected. And we all wanted to have a life that was worth living. Maybe some people died asking themselves why they had ever been born or why they had never found happiness. And I wasn't going to die asking myself those questions." (441)

"'... Life, Ari, can be an ugly thing. But life can be so incredibly beautiful. It's both. And we have to learn to hold the contradictions inside us without despairing, without losing hope.'" (458)

"'... the question 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' is not just a question about what professions we choose. The real question is, what kind of person do you want to be? DO you want to love? Or do you continue to hate? Hate is a decision. Hate is an emotional pandemic we have never found a cure for. Choose to love. ... '" (475)

"'... As we age, we get cynical. The world wears us down. We stop fighting.'" (510)

"'... we cling to ways of think that don't even qualify as thinking. We don't know how to be free because we don't know how to free those we enslave. We don't even know we're doing anything of the sort. Maybe we think that the value of our own freedom is worth less if everyone else has it. And we're afraid. We're afraid that, if someone wants what we have, they're taking something away that belongs to us— and only to us. But who does a country belong to? Tell me. Who does the earth belong to? I'd like to think that someday we'll realize that the earth belongs to us all. But I won't live to see that day.'" (511)

"We had learned that we were all connected, and we were stronger than any storm, and we would make it back to the shores of America— and when we arrived, we would throw out the old maps that took us to violent places filled with hate, and the new roads we mapped would take all of us to places and cities we'd never dreamed of. We were the cartographers of the new America. We could map out a new nation. ... We would make it to shore with or without this ragged, broken raft. We were in this world, and we were going to fight to stay on it. Because it was ours. And one day the world 'exile' would be no more.

I didn't care what was going to happen to Dante and me in the future. What we had was this moment, and right then, I didn't want or need anything else. I thought of everything we had been through and all the things we had taught each other— and how we could never unlearn those lessons because they were the lessons of the heart, the heart learning to understand the strange and familiar and intimate and inscrutable word 'love'." (515)