"Time is a series of house fires. We're engulfed in the heat of yesterday and passion transports us to a heavenly state of mind. Blueprints in the making. We're an eternity in nuance. All our lives we float through success and under failure, but need we not forget, every ending hones a new beginning. Everything is as it will be, but we are much greater than who we once were. All the daily burdens can be good fortune in disguise. We blaze and burn and are taken to the ground, but watch as we flourish all over again." (xv)

"Why would anyone choose a sphere after discovering a great icosahedron exists? The search is where the fruit lies, and for me, it's always sweetest after the long haul." (2)

"In this book, House Fires, I would like to question the increasing severity of the human experience in these modern times; the clarity that comes with transitioning away from childhood and into adulthood; the struggles, the triumphs, confusion, magic, exhaustion, liberation, and all that lies in between. From camaraderie to sex to religion to casualty to identity to enlightenment, and beyond, this book explores all the lesser discussed facets of humanity in pursuit of nuanced vulnerability— an open examination of yesterday's corners and tomorrow's cosmos." (3)

"Your teens and twenties are an eternal journey around the Talladega Speedway, and my jaw drops as I accelerate around every corner. I'm on my way out the described 'most influential time in a person's life,' and although it remains uneasy, it's one hell of a nonsensical journey, and I'm honored to take part in it. Just when I think I have an aspect of it locked down— Whether it be finance, routine, friendship, purpose, or romance— I peek over a new ledge and drop down, hurtling into a triple loop-de-loop spiral and humbled by another wobbled landing.

Things rarely remain serene. Things never seem to maintain the same. Just when you get a grip on one page of your existence, the next slips through your fingers, and it honestly seems like that cycle will continue forever. How PEACHY is that. Right sometimes. Wrong all the others

Truth, and it's the last thing most people want to read about, is: I'm happy most of the time nowadays. I've finally located a balance in these tornado times, but it wasn't without effort or practice, and who know how long it will last. But, all I know is I'm right here right now and I couldn't smile bigger writing those words." (3-4)

"Before the twenty-first century, queer people were never given the chance to properly eat the fruits of their days due to violence, persecution, disease, bigotry, hatred, and general careless abandonment pouring in from all directions. Not a single chance. At the time, most were set up to be let down as soon as they spoke their truth, and for those who did voice their opinions, many were blatantly ignored and left unaided by higher governmental powers during the AIDS crisis in the eighties and nineties. Many, of course, evaded the horrors and survived the unimaginable pain of those decades, but they are few and far between when compared to their heterosexual coupled counterparts who exist without question.

It wasn't until very recently that LGBTQIA+ people have even been given the chance to live a 'normal' life. If you were privileged enough to come out as a teenager in the recent years of the twenty-first century, fall into the open arms of familial acceptance, and live in a geographical location where you didn't face persecution, you must realize: This has never happened. EVER. In all of human history. you are trailblazing an era of hope and freedom. And, because I fall into most of those unparalleled categories of pure fortune, I now know why it's been nearly impossible for me to picture my future: It's almost never been done before, Or, at the very least, it's incredibly scarce, and that uniqueness must be acknowledged. (8)

"The predetermined future presented to me on a single-item dinner menu at an extremely overrated restaurant was quickly deemed impossible in my young mind— impossible to plan, impossible to actualize, impossible to ever have for myself. And, that unsettledness made my prepubescent soul radiate six shades of queasy.

There were approximately 62,000,000 married heterosexual couples in all of the US in 2019. There were approximately 568,000 married homosexual couples in the US. That means 0.009 percent [sic] of all the couples you know are same-sex couples. I'm a numbers person, so researching those simple statistics blew my mind to smithereens. NO WONDER I FEEL SO ALONE AND CONFUSED... IT'S BECAUSE I KINDA AM. Not even kinda! If I'm lucky, I'm a 1/100? That's fucked!" (11)

"I harbored a secret sexuality amongst counterparts with seemingly straightforward orientations. There was a certain 'black sheep' element to my early years that ensured downward emotional moments, but that's all they were: moments. Fleeting and fading. This wasn't something that constantly corroded my cranium day in and day out. Like a star shooting across the night sky, the moments would arrive and depart in an instant. The more I marinate in those years, the more I remember how much love lay there. It's easy to highlight the worst, and let it overshadow the best. I try my best not to give in to that fraudulent temptation. Consistent cynicism only leads to dead ends.

Regardless of how I got there, I was there. The issue was obvious even though I didn't have the vocabulary to classify it. There were times I'd blink and it was dark again. The sink held a mountain of dishes. The bed idled unmade. My laptop rested open with no charge left in its battery. My skin had yet to meet the sun and my body remained caged within four white walls. That's the depression I grew to know for years. The world moved around me while I felt still. There was movement in my life, but it went unnoticed from my point of view. I had written several books, attended many weddings, ordered expensive breakfasts on weekends, drank myself silly in the city, and stared awestruck at the starlight of the countryside as I took another hit of my friend's joint. Time passed. Memories were created. I wasn't dead, but I wasn't living either. My being was present, but somewhere else at the same time." (28)

"Every morning there's a new cause to champion. every night there's a new threat to lose sleep over.

Being a human in this day and age is a blessing and a curse. We have everything at our fingertips, but somehow manage to feel pretty empty inside. It's a lot. I validate how overwhelming it can be sometimes. Hell, most of the time. Let's be real, We've lost our autonomy to a global state of thinking, which was supposed to be a positive thing, but it ends up leaving me wishing I were left alone more often. Leave me in the dark today. I don't want to know what's going on. It's not healthy to know everything all the time, but there's not escaping it any longer." (36)

"Community within tragedy doesn't provide an antidote, but it does make the sensation of drowning a little less lonely." (37)

"One of the great ways to heal a bleeding heart is, oddly enough, by opening it up over and over again. But that wasn't going to happen to me more a long time. Seclusion met me with open arms. Isolation followed behind it. All those questions swimming in my brain made me know one thing for sure: I'm only safe if I never let anyone in ever again." (51)

"Some memories we hold on to hold a deeper meaning than what we initially assign to them. After tumbling in an endless laundromat, and mulling that time time over countless late nights and long runs, I had an epiphany: I'm sick of allowing other people to maintain any control over my own future. No one and nothing, outside of my own self, should ever dictate, derail, or detain the time in front of me. I want better and I take it just as quickly. My emotions will not alter because of some set of actions flying at me like arrows in the daylight. My stamina will not fluctuate because of some series of events pouring into this moment in pure spontaneity. My efforts will not weaken because of some stream of words flowing from somebody's mouth like lave down the mountainside. I will not participate in it anymore. I'm done." (52)

"WE ALL HAVE A SAD STORY WE'RE CONSTANTLY TELLING THE WORLD." (67-68)

"You know that decade squeezed in between the small window of adolescence and the immediate crisis that follows? Yes, that one. Yeah, it's undeniably fucked up. Your twenties are something else, man. They make you feel hopeful, hopeless, excited, depressed, insane, and grounded all at the same time. You run around the world thinking you're invincible, nasty little shit one minute, and suddenly you wake up the following Tuesday in January to your fucking head being cut off and thrown across the room." (79)

"None of this is said with judgement or to knock any one person's choices. Who am I to think one life is better than another? That's ridiculous, and humans shouldn't be compared. For all we know, the person who has kept his/her life exactly the same for the las decade is much happier than the person whose life just exploded into an international commodity. I just find it very  interesting that both are possible in such a palatable amount of time. Granted, one  might take chance, timing, luck, and many other things, BUT it still happened, which of course, sends my mind into a tizzy. Is potential limited? At what point do you give up and try a new direction? Should we strive to find comfort, and what level is bad? So many unanswerable questions..." (81)

"Have you ever taken a long road trip to a new destination? We're talking snacks-a-plenty and three pee stops, MINIMUM. The drive there always seems longer than the drive back because there's less to experience the second time around. Now imagine you go on that same journey frequently, say once a month. After a year of voyaging, every nook, cranny, twist, and turn soon will have become familiar: you can easily compare the travel times and now how to better pass the hours (and where the ideal pee stops are... but that's beside the point). Hardship and triumph are no different. Neither tastes quite as sweet or sour the more passes your lips. That's a large lesson your twenties bring, and that's why it's so important to fly and fall as much as possible during this time. (82)

)

"There's love in the present though. Don't get me wrong, I carry who I've become with pride. We weathered many storms to get to a place of peace, and discounting that journey would be an unrighteous act against self-improvement. Moving forward is a courageous leap of faith. I've seen one too many people get stuck marinating in the past, and they lie there still. Suspended. Soaking. With envy and with contempt, I reject that way of life for me as well.

But maybe I should just give in and allow myself to fall. To grieve what once was, so I can fully uplift what actually is. I'm much older now. It's frightening to walk farther and farther away from what you know, toward an unknown future. That's it right there. I fall into the past like a pillow-top mattress. I ease into it like walking into cool water. Step after step. Slowly but surely. Eventually, you  must give in, and allow yourself yo go under." (98)

"I'm constantly worried I live too safely, cradled in bubble-wrapped arms that shield me from any pain, fear, or annihilation.

When you're young, there's a certain freedom that comes with the implied ignorance. Beauty attaches to inexperience. That's why you're fearless. It's why you feel indestructible, even. A metal body bursting through time and ricocheting off the atmosphere. Really— and it pains me to say— you have no idea of your own fragility. It hasn't met you. You have yet to see a brittle body in the staring back at you in the bathroom mirror. And until that moment occurs, it's fiction." (107)

"What people rarely discuss is the vital depths of community culture, and how acceptance goes far beyond one's self. To be different, you accept difference. When joining the LGBTQIA+ community, visually you'll understand: There's a lot there! The L. The G. The B. The T. The Q. The I. The A. And, don't you dare forget, the motherfucking +! We're a family of social misfits. A collection of traditional rejects. So, naturally, there are many colorful stories to hear and journeys to learn about. Being different isn't what history paints it to be. It doesn't make you wrong. It doesn't mean you're less than others. We're finally evolving to the place where the vast population understands that, but the work is nowhere near complete." (112)

"I often wonder if I've overcomplicated something that could be made much easier. Looking at the lives of my siblings or the farthest members of my friendship circle, my entire being cycles into a thought wave of: Could I ever have what they do? Not simple, but by appearance, definitely much less complicated. There's much less nuance to a heteronormative existence. That's not meant to belittle heteronormative people by any means. Truth is, a roadmap exists for these people.

For me, and people like me, there's much less to go off of and many more struggles to be had just for merely existing. Do they (my straight counterparts) too get caught up in these identity crisis daydreams while out for walk at sunset? Is it normal to question literally everything all the time? Am I alone here? Is this experience granular? I can't answer that. Hell, clearly I continue to question it all even after figuring most of it out. I'm not sure anyone can with full honesty figure it out. They'd be lying if they though they could . As long as society creates an 'other' category, these ostracized complexities won't be given endless amounts of fresh air to breathe in. An 'other' only exists because someone declared another the 'norm'. That's all really. One day someone said, 'A man marries a woman.' Another someone said, "We only love one person, marry them, procreate two times, beg for forgiveness, the die.' And the world has followed blindly ever since. It is as it has always been. Don't question it.

But it's all fiction. We take in fallacies as children and only undress them in adulthood if we're lucky. Someone in the past could have just as easily decided the reverse to be true, and this world could have been flipped so that straight was abnormal and gay was normal. What if we lived in a world where difference was embraced and not rejected?" (114-115)

"In a place full of what seemed like joyous souls with everything to live for, there was a collective aroma of uncertainty pooling around us. These people, all publicly successful, were haunted by demons. No matter how small we could belittle them into being, to their owner they would undoubtedly towered above them with venom and ferocity. They suddenly wore their pain saw it in their eyes and now-altered body language. Some unable to face the group. Others lost in bad memories with eyes totally glossed over. Most had anticipated and were feeling the effects. Silence enveloped this space, and I began to feel like I was hovering behind myself watching this unfold so suddenly. Our last night together, exhausted and pleasant, now turned a bit sour.

There was beauty in this chaos, no doubt. We lifted the curtain and the magic show suddenly felt less than, but in hindsight, it was all nowhere near that simple. Emotions are complex and sharing them can be a trauma in itself. But the truth holsters power, and it's often not what the world wants it to be. Whether it be the bravery to walk the truth into the light or the strength to claim it as your own, it takes grit to live in sincerity. Many try, some fail, but most turn a blind eye and hope they never have to face it Seeing a group of strangers combat that narrative before my very eyes was one of the most unexpectedly grounding experiences of my little life. It was moving to be blindsided by raw humanity. People expressed their imperfections without fear of judgement or even hope for resolution." (131-132)

"We spend more time building barricades for moments that may never occur. Or, at least, I have grown to do it more and more as I get older. The collection of experiences you garner and gather along your life's journey unknowingly carry various weights into your future. ... The past doesn't dictate the future is just as true as your anxiety shouldn't tyrannize your present. You always holster the power, whether you decide to wield it or not." (149)

"For the record, I'd like to reiterate how exhausted I am. The options are endless. Truly. Whatever or whoever you're looking for is out there, but I think we frequently forget the obstacles and losses it will take to find that person. Let's be real, you can find your one-in-a-billion match. But how far are you willing to go to locate them? There is always the chance someone better exists, but are you willing to ruin what you have now for potential? It's complicated." (163)

"I'm not a perfect person. I house many impurities and harbor an overhead of baggage. What I say isn't always what I mean. My actions don't always reflect my true desires. Feelings frequently cloud my better judgement, and emotions obstruct completely acceptable pathways. What sucks is that I know that. It's clear as day. My defenses are up when they don't need to be, but I can't help but throw a fist just in case. I yearn to love again. I miss that sweet, sadistic, psychopathic cycle. The floating, the fading, the falling. Every inch of it. It's all worth it even if it ends." (166)

"It's funny, I used to be so afraid to be alone. Not full-on phobia, but somewhere between my time at college and my time in Los Angeles I became comfortable in my own company. It wasn't that I gad to be with friends per se, but I needed people to be around me to keep the loneliness at bay— to keep me away from myself. But I don't want to write about those feelings. I want to write about the liberation that comes with appreciating your own company. It's precious and frightening, but worth the investment." (193)

"Who even am I without all of those things around me? Who am I without him? What am I without them? Can I be better? Will I be different? What the fuck have I done? Did I just ruin everything? ... As painful and destructive as that time of emotional turbulence was, the process had become necessary for me to locate my lost identity: who I was, and who I actually am, without a collection of safety nets placed all around me. The new me. The real me. The me I never knew I hadn't already become. A foundation built from the past me for the future me." (194)

"The most important step toward change is being open to it. It was uncomfortable to sit in silence and not distract myself from my own thoughts. It wasn't enjoyable to go to dinner alone or to a movie without someone else. What would I order? What would I see? Having a newfound ownership of all the minutes in my day was exhausting until it wasn't. Like any new skill, though, the second attempt is always much easier than the first. You practice taking ownership of your life. You rehearse being an individual until it feels natural. You push and you persevere. Until, you just are— like the sun rising in the early morning; it's a slow-growing light that suddenly bursts the early hours to life. You exist as you are like there's no other way but this. Not better, but new." (195)

"I've been searching for friends my whole life. The desire to fit in closely with a group of people has been an eternal struggle. I'd always get jealous of other kids who had a clear best friend. Ride or die. Their one and only. I'd get close, but continually fall short of first place. There's nothing worse than being a third wheel to two eternal partners. After a while, it loses its appeal, like eating plain oatmeal when there's a jar of sugar on the table.

With each new chapter of life comes a new opportunity to find people to share it with." (205)

"Rereading old journal entries, tearing through old photo albums, and generally thinking back on those days, I'm met with a level of disassociated connection. There's a layer of fog that coats those years, and I'm not fully sure how I was able to escape it. How exactly did I find the daybreak that accompanies the storm? Could have the medication I took. Could have been the endless therapy sessions I attended. Could have been the levels of perseverance and resilience I somehow have within me. Could have been pure chance and luck that brought me back to stability. Honestly, it feels like a cocktail of it all topped with a screwdriver of who-the-fuck-knows, but regardless I'm here. I've made it back and I for the first time in a while have something I'm afraid to lose: my own life.

Backing out of these sad words, I'm here. I'M HERE! The other side of the tunnel is bright, bitch! It's so funny to now be on the far side of the mountain, where the air is soaked in potential. These days are like experiencing some level of mythical magic because I forgot what it felt like not to dread a normal day. I forgot what it was like to exist freely without constant anxiety and dread. I forgot, but now I remember." (214-215)

"Growing up, I cannot think of a time I was confronted with diversity in any sense of the word. From religion to race to gender to sexuality— we rarely encountered anyone who didn't fit the mold. It's almost painful to think about now. Things would have been so much different if that weren't the case. The new perspective, horizons, experiences, conversations, lifestyles, stories... the list could go on for miles. It's like looking up close at a white canvas painted only with thousands of cream-colored lines. When you slowly step back to see the artwork in full view, inching farther and farther away from it, the strokes begin to melt into one another, and soon all you see is one cream-colored canvas. But, if the piece had strokes of red, dashes of emerald and eggplant and granite, no matter how far away you were from it, you could still make out those unique colors.

From seeing the world to meeting new people to discovering myself, I thank my lucky stars I was able to see the dashes of color blossom all around me." (222)

"Nowadays, I'm reminded of my humanity when I'm not even looking for it. Moments that unexpectedly ground me in this reality: a gust of wind on a quiet night or ripples of rain on a still body of water. Mundane days can be met with a bolt of electricity that brings me to tears or makes me dance in euphoria." (227)

"Loss becomes a more common occurrence the older you get, unfortunately. There is no bright side to it; I reject anyone who spins it that way. Someone's lost life belittled to 'a part of a greater plan' is offensive to me. But I can't help but notice there's a continued side effect of losing a human life in your orbit, and that's a wake-up call. When something awful occurs, you're inevitably reminded of how porcelain human life truly is. Our bodies feel resilient, and they may be to a limited extent, but accidents do happen. Tragedy strikes blindly." (228)

"As far as we know, this remains true: you only live once, and life is short. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle adulthood demands of us: the project deadlines, presentation preparation, making dinner for your family, remembering everyone's birthday and locating the appropriate gift to give them, the endless chores, the constant laundry, calling your mom, paying your debts, writing a speech for an old friend's wedding, attending another's funeral. We do so much for so many, and that should not go unseen or underappreciated. But do not lose yourself to your calendar, or waste your thoughts on tasks that don't really matter. It's hard to be human, but that doesn't mean it's not an honor. You don't have to be alive for every moment of every day, but do take the time to soak in soft and loud sounds. They're all around us. Can you hear them?" (231)

"Self gratitude welled up in my throat and within my eyes. This was a life worth living. I was a person worth being. Worthy does not begin to describe the respect ignited within a soul that for so long felt everything else. I staggered to a stop and looked out toward the gradient of color falling before my eyes." (244)

"Sitting here typing my way through this thought process, it's hard to articulate exactly why I can't believe in more. Like a French crêpe cake, at a glance there are too many layers to easily decipher how many and what flavors they really contain. I think it all stems from the notion that I'm not confident. I even want to believe in something more. If that point had validity, I fell like it would be so messed up. Over three billion humans live in poverty in 2020. Seven hundred and ninety-five million people in the world do not have enough food to lead a healthy life. Chronic diseases are responsible for 60 percent of global deaths. Countless people die suddenly from unexpected accidents and are swept away from their loved ones. Hatred, prejudice, and bigotry run rampant throughout modern society. If you're a female, LGBTQIA+, or BIPOC, you're disadvantaged without question. The world can be so cruel and so cold. It's hard to have faith in it most days. If this is all part of a great plan masterminded by some deity in the sky, well, then personally speaking here: I'm not sure my conscience could rest easy supporting and uplifting it. It feels wrong. And, like, if I'm incorrect about a heavenly existence, will I seemingly be struck down in some horrific way? Or, alternatively, will I burn in a fiery pit for all eternity? Despite all the good I've done and try to do every single day? That doesn't rest easy with me. It's Gaslighting 101. I'm in a maze with only dead ends and no exit. Fear alone should cause me to believe, but it doesn't and I can't fully explain why. Even if I am wrong, it has all still been worth it, you know? Once I opened the door of doubt that led toward these epiphanies, I could not go back to close it no matter how hard I try." (258-259)

"I'm thankful for it all, really. The pain and the pleasure. All the quiet joys and loud despairs. The rosy peaks and indigo valleys. I've been shaped by every second of every minute. Constructed into a chronicle. Refined by my own autonomy. Born to never occur again. But watch me bleed until the sun sets." (282)

quantitative suffering

Your pain is not deemed insignificant because

other people have a greater significance of pain.

(88)

fighting back

It quickly became the most important part of my

life. To find clarity. To obtain growth. To center

myself in peace. I no longer wanted to live in fear

of existing impartial as I was, I had no choice

but to change. To die today would be a gift. But in

outright refusal, I began a quiet revolution. And

threw my first punch back at the world.

(124)

perfect things

I get so caught up in saying the perfect thing that I

end up not saying anything at all.

(154)

limbo

My head's stuck in tomorrow and sometimes I

forget how to show up for today.

(155)

hope in disguise

i don't know what i want

or who i'm looking for

but my heart wakes with desire

to no longer be so alone

(168)

hold on to it

Find what brings you joy and grab hold of it. Tightly.

fight for it, and preserve it as long as you can.

(191)

what's a life without a little sin

placed myself in a cage

and let the calendar flip by

losing control of a life

that has always been mine

defeated, disillusioned, derailed

my body burst into flames

tripping over street cracks

falling victim to self-blame

really, it's a pure shame

things got as bad as they did

what's a life without a little sin

brightening, bursting, blooming

catapulted towards a better me

melted into a marmalade

flying over a sea of evergreen

if existence is heavenly

cut the pleasantries

open the gates

watch me run

(209)

lost all my better days

i always forget to write about the better days

because in those moments i'm surrounded by such immense joy

that words I sketch into paper cannot do justice

to the electricity happiness emits

but I will try my best to express it

(224)

a turning point

You left me. You lied to me. Over and over again.

You ruined me and acted like it was normal. I lost

my innocence. My happiness. You took everything.

Maybe the world may never know exactly

what you did to me. What you took from me.

But I'm done caring. I'm done with you and this me

I never asked to be.

(235)

flesh and bones

You are more than the body you inhabit.

Flesh may be temporary, but what it creates

is forever.

(240)

searching for harmony

to live fully for today you must disparage yesterday's

problems and disregard tomorrow's possibilities

this moment is your most valuable belonging

(251)

i believe in today

To belittle someone else into your own beliefs is a

gamble on the truth no one can ever know. I'd rather

place my bet on this exact moment. The only real

thing you can ever be sure of is here and now.

(262)